Update on my soda addiction

I feel that I should continue to examine my soda addiction, as it is still something that I notice and since it's been getting worse lately. I hit a low today, when I took $1.25 in dimes and nickels to the cafeteria in our building. I shamefully apologized to the cashier, whose only response was a giggle, and to the guy behind me made some comment about needing to get rid of change. The whole thing was amusing really, but also a chance for some investigation into what's really going on when I crave soda.

For this investigation, I am using a technique taught to me by a zen teacher in my study of the Buddhist Precepts. It involves an an acronym, R.A.I.N and it's meant to increase awareness of what we do. Each letter signifies a step in that awareness.

R - Recognize the present moment and what you are feeling
Today's soda purchase was harder to ignore that most of my cravings, because it was such a to-do. As I was sorting my change, taking the elevator down to the lobby and then another elevator up to the 16th floor, slowly counting out my nickels and dimes for the cashier, making my way back up and down the elevators, and back to my desk, I was aware of the craving.

This craving, and most of my cravings really, come at a time when I am feeling inadequate or useless. Today, for instance, I was bored at my job. A lack of work, and consequently a lack of self-worth lead to me seek fulfillment. Not to mention that the job I have does not untilize my skills and abilities, nor is it mentally stimulating. This is another way in which I reaffirm my worthlessness with myself. There must be something wrong with me if I cannot get a job in my field.

A - Accept what you are feeling
Upon the realization of the craving and it's underlying emotions, I did not try to push the feeling away or ignore it. I let it be what it was and tried to be mindful of the craving.

I - Investigate
Once I recognized the craving and the feeling behind it, I could look closer at what happened at this time. I did not have any work to do and therefore was lollygagging on the internet. Even though my coworkers had no work for me to do, I felt ashamed, as if I was not doing enough. When someone walked by the door I would feel a jolt to get to work, so that people wouldn't think I was wasting time away.

Physically, I was slouching. I felt an emptiness in my abdomen, something that tea could not fulfill. Upon drinking the soda, there was a tingling that commenced down my esophagus and into my abdomen. Even now, I still feel a tightness in my shoulders and feel a bit exhausted overall. Like I had just cried intensely.

N - Non-Identification
These feelings of shame and worthlessness are thoughts, some of many, that I have. They do not define me. I am so much more than these thoughts.